Boy Parts

Every man’s penis is different.*

*Except for transmen, who tend to have one of three basic models.

One of the side effects of transition is accumulating amusing penis stories. Like the time I went into the church bathroom to pee and my cock fell down the leg of my pants and into the top of my cowboy boot. Or the time I was at home, went to pee, and was surprised to discover it was missing. Turned out it had fallen out in the other bathroom the last time I’d peed, and I hadn’t even noticed. There it was, on the bathmat, looking a little forlorn.

When I first started transition, I wasn’t sure I cared to wear a packer. I mean, it wasn’t like I wore my pants so tight it was going to be obvious I lacked a natural bulge, especially since I’m rather round of belly, and it seemed like the trouble of securing it in place was more effort than it was worth. But I tried it anyway, liked it, and now I really don’t feel dressed without it. It lives in a nylon sock—a woman’s nylon trouser sock, actually, which amuses me. Boxer-briefs hold it in place, better now that I’ve bought some that are the right size (my old ones are two sizes too big—weight loss for the win!—and the newer, snugger ones are amazingly much better all around.) The cock fits into the toe of the sock, and I let the length of empty sock hang over the underwear waistband, which keeps it in place as long as everything’s pulled up. If I were a little less lazy I could probably safety-pin it in and prevent the wandering cock issue that I complained about above.

Testosterone is giving me a handful of male secondary sex characteristics, like body hair (Yay: leg hair, facial hair, chest hair, arm hair! Not so yay: back hair, butt hair…), a deeper voice, a more masculine hairline, a trimmer waist (I’m down six inches from where I started last June!), a bigger sex drive, and larger feet, as well as a general level of calm and wellbeing I was just not expecting. I mean, you hear about ‘roid rage and guys who get all agro when they go on T, but I feel like my mood has leveled out and perked up. But the one thing it hasn’t given me is a penis.

Not like I thought it would, but evidently there is some part of my brain that keeps expecting it. I’ll look at myself in the mirror and think how awesome it is to see leg hair, and then wonder when my dick is going to start to grow. And I’m not talking about the little bit of clitoral enlargement you might expect from T, either. I look at myself and think, wait, where is my dangly bit? It’s like my bodymap just expects it to be there, despite my intellectual awareness that that is not a possibility without surgical intervention.

Actually I’ve kind of always had a mental map of a penis. Even as a kid I just sort of knew where it should be and how it would feel, like an amputee’s phantom limb sensation. When I hit puberty I even started having dreams about having erections. Not fantasies (ok, I had those, too, but that’s not that’s not what I’m talking about), but dreams, while asleep. So I guess it’s not that surprising that now that I’m finally developing some signals that say male on the outside, I want the whole package, as it were. *ba dan shhh!*

I still don’t think surgical intervention is the way I’ll go, unless there are some dramatic improvements in the options available. Even with T, I’m rather under-endowed in the natural department, so the most sex-function-sparing surgery wouldn’t do much for me, and phalloplasty, where a “life size” penis gets created, is unfortunately more cosmetic than functional when it comes to sensation. It’s like any kind of tailoring: easy to cut a garment smaller, a challenge to make it bigger, and while there are a lot of things I’m willing to give up in order to be a guy, orgasms aren’t on the list.

What I really want is bionics (preferably without the cheesy 70’s sound effects and slo-mo.) A bionic prosthetic penis. Wouldn’t that be awesome? Bio-guys who have lost theirs (a small market, I know, but penile cancer and trauma are real things) would benefit, too. There’s already a theme song.

 Detachable Penis, by King Missile

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~ by Nezu on 27 February 2012.

9 Responses to “Boy Parts”

  1. I’m sure it makes me a bad person and a worse friend, but I’m pretty amused by the penis falling into the cowboy boot story.

    *big hugs*

    Do you remember the conversation we had when I said my breasts just felt like part of me? It sounds like the way you feel about how your penis should just be there. And I’m glad that packing helps with that.

    • A bad person and a worse friend? I don’t think so! If you laugh at my funny stories, then you’re totally doing it right, and so am I, love. I mean, seriously: penis down the leg of my jeans and into my boot, in the church bathroom? That’s comedy gold is what that is.

      I do remember that conversation, and that’s an interesting observation. I wonder what it will be like when I’ve had my chest surgery and my chest feels the way I expect it to.

  2. I found this one humorous. The silly off beat tribulations life serves up some times are good for those kinds of laughs. I’m very glad you are doing so well.

  3. Great essay. When I first started attending our church, I found the guys rather prudish and conflicted about sexuality, so I really respect how honest you are. I also appreciate the humor. Your comments about mental maps and phantom limbs made me recall a fine book about the neuroscience of human sexuality by Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam. They state: “There is very strong evidence that these body maps are innate.” Before I mention the title of the book, I want to speculate that a good marketing person must have come up with the title to encourage non-scientists to read it. The title is: *A Billion Wicked Thoughts*. The title of the book comes from their analysis of Internet search data — what does the set of 500,000,000 Internet search terms related to sexual desire tell us about human sexuality and can it be matched with the most current research in neuroscience? Their answer is a resounding, “Yes!” Another editorial technique used to make the book more accessible is that all the research and evidence citations are moved to end notes. About half the pages of the book are these notes documenting the research. Here’s a link to the Google Books version: http://books.google.com/books?id=jwU8_m8y5X0C&dq=billion+wicked+thoughts&source=gbs_navlinks_s

  4. Hey there! Catching up a bit…

    Your last blog said you may have the chest surgery as early as Feb, but since we haven’t seen a blog since, I’m assuming it hasn’t happened yet?

    My partner said growing up she always thought she should be able to stand up to pee, because the part should be there. It wasn’t, and it always surprised her. 🙂

    (cock in the boot is too damn funny)

    • Surgery is currently scheduled for August 1, so yeah, no change.

      I’ve fallen off the face of the earth a little, dealing with some daily life complications. Should be back soon.

      Doues your partner identify as some flavor of genderqueer these days? Just curious if that feeling of “it shoud be there” persisted for her.

      (cock in the boot was hilarious *grin*)

  5. Excellent–at least you have a proper date!

    S doesn’t really identify in any
    way now. She’s gone through quite a few variations of gender label, trying to find one that fits. I think it’s currently metrosexual butch. 🙂 She has no desire to transition. She’d be happiest if she had no bits to contend with at all, really. But she really analyzed the options and ideals before deciding she’s just…S.

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