Like a Kicked Coyote

This evening my housemate DK remarked, “What’s the matter with you, man? You’ve been like a kicked dog all day.”

Yeah.

He’s right, sort of, if you think of a kicked dog not just as an anxious animal looking to see if another blow is coming, but as one who might bite if it does.

I’m a wad of tension today: my heart keeps racing and I’m defensive as all hell, cranky and irritable, and almost vaguely nauseated or something. What the hell is wrong with me? Do I just need some exercise? Do I need to chill out with some TV? Do I need to write? Do I need to sleep? Am I stressed because of the dozens of yet-to-be-unpacked boxes and no end in sight to the moving-in process? Is it biorhythms, or sharing living space after ten years of living solo, or am I picking up on DK’s being in a snarly mood himself and amplifying it back? Or maybe…

Is it because yesterday was the day I was due for my testosterone, so I was in a trough when I woke up today? Or is it because I took my dose this morning so I’m amped up now?

All of the above? None of the above?

I’ve been on T for six weeks, and so far I’d say I’ve seen almost no changes that I could ascribe to the hormone. I’m on a very low dose — just 25mg a week to allow my singing voice to transition slowly and completely — so that’s really not all that surprising. But honestly? I’d like to go ahead and get on with it. Raise my dose and risk my voice, and screw this transitional phase. I’ve stopped being a girl, can I please be a boy now?

Every morning I look in the mirror and see the same old me looking back, and it sows seeds of doubt: why the hell bother with transition, it’s not like it’s going to change anything. I’ll still look like a girl, with my tiny mouth and dished nose and flabby face, and sound like a girl, and people will “ma’am” me to my dying day.

(Reading that back I kind of want to kick myself. Sack up, man! So what if you have a girly looking face? It’s not like that’s the end of the damn world. You’ll probably grow a beard and drop your voice eventually, and if you don’t, well, gender-bend the hell out of life and quit whining.)

But here’s the thing: I’m more than done pretending to be female, but at the moment it feels like I’m only pretending to be male. I’m somewhere in the middle again, but I’m not enjoying it.

I feel like Wile E Coyote — I stepped off the cliff quite some time ago, but I’ve only just now looked down and noticed I’m standing unsupported in thin air. No way back to the cliff top, if I have a parachute I haven’t figured out how to deploy it, and the ground is a looooooong way down.

But then I think, “Why did the coyote step off the cliff?” Because he was hungry. Starving, even. He could stay there on solid ground and continue to starve, or he could go chasing after the roadrunner. Poor dumb bastard, at least was taking action, even if it never got him anything.

Besides, there was at least one episode where he ended up happy, I’m pretty sure of it.

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~ by Nezu on 13 August 2011.

16 Responses to “Like a Kicked Coyote”

  1. *hugs*

  2. dude, I think your trough theory is on the money & there are probably lots of other factors, as you described. I knew a transguy who missed a dose for a couple days cuz he didn’t have the $$ to refill his prescription & he was cranky, depressed, angry … like a kicked coyote. hang tight & give yourself a dose 🙂 hugs, m

    • Thanks, dude. It’s hard to know if a bad mood is just a bad mood or if it’s hormonal. It’s easy to blame hormones, but I kind of wonder if that’s like blaming your farts on the dog, you know?

      Anyway, I’m feeling better now, Hope you’re holding up with everything going on in your life.

  3. most pure well-stated writing. you are a true craftsman of the word. and i know this is about your pain and suffering which just makes me want to hold and pet you until you feel better. but also just an exquisite piece of writing which makes me want to write.

    • Wow, thank you! There is no better praise, nor any easier way to lift my spirits, than to say I’m a good writer. I love you. I hope you’ll do some writing, I’d love to see it.

  4. I’m not sure if what I write will be of any help. But, I was told by a person who transitioned that, while first taking testosterone, for about a year or so, it felt like going puberty all over again, this time as a different gender. He said that he felt angry, frustrated, dispair, angst. His emotions would change from calm to frustrated or upset at a drop of a hat. Eventually, puberty 2.0 did finish, and he felt a lot more balance.

    As to physical appearance, while he still had some more female characteristics, he still projected male.

    I do hope that you will feel more centered (albeit not in the middle) soon.

    • Thanks, M. I’ve heard that from several people. I”m still not sure whether it’s reasonable to blame every bad mood on testosterone, but it sure is tempting.

  5. So frustrating! And such good writing. Sending hugs and love. And wait a minute! You don’t look like a girl at all! WTF?

    • Praise my writing and lift my mood. *grin*

      And thanks, I appreciate the feedback. I think I end up looking girly on low-res sources, like video chat and in photos, and it gets to me.

  6. Fwiw, it definitely doesn’t seem like pretending to me, at all.

    Also – this is only semi-related, but I keep meaning to mention and then forgetting: a friend of mine took me to hear Lucas Silveira a couple of months ago, and he, Silveira, said of one song from a previous album that he hadn’t been able to sing it for a while but now he can again (and *damn* did he sing the fuck out of it!) So, encouragement on the voice front, and stuff.

    • Thanks, Clara.

      And wow, very encouraging about the voice. I would love it if I ended up keeping my upper range and just adding to it.

  7. I wish I were close enough to give you a hug.

    And in my humble opinion, I quite like your face, and I don’t think it looks like a girl’s face. And I am looking forward to hearing and seeing the changes you’ll be going through.

    • Thank you sweetie. Since it’s your opinion that I give the most weight to, when it comes to my face, that means a lot. *hugs* I”m so glad to have you with me.

  8. Not a girl anymore, not quite a boy yet… don’t think of it as a bad middle phase, make up your own gender for a while. You can be the cool hipster person! Saying stuff like “Pft – male and female is soooo confining. I was a Fluggelhorn before you even knew what it was”.

    Yes I know, optimists are horrible people, but I always feel better about things if I can give them a positive spin over a negative one. And remember ‘This too shall pass’ (which I know is a quote from somewhere, and I want to say LOTR, but damn me if I can remember the correct attribution!)

    -Ruth

    • I think that’s Gandalf’s “You shall not pass,” pronouncement to the Balrog you’re thinking of. *laughs* Kind of different.

      But yes, it’s not the end of the world. And I’m not terminally depressed or anything, just a little Mr. Crankypants.

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